On May 1st, we received an email that would prove, in just a few days, to completely change our lives. Kristy, our angel birthmom, introduced herself as a single woman who was 20 weeks along, trying to put together an adoption plan for her sweet baby girl and 'something about us just stood out to her'. I read the email at work at my desk and immediately felt something I had never before experienced.
I immediately called Jimi...no answer, he was out in a doctor's office in Tooele, I think? Through the tears, I reread it about 4 times, printed it off, then left the office, right in the middle of the day, I just upped and left! I got on my phone and called Jimi again, still no answer. I got in my car and just started driving. I had no idea where I was going but I had to go somewhere and I had to talk to Jimi! I called him continuously for about 17 minutes...it would ring five times, go to voicemail, I would hang up and continue this cycle. (I never did ask him what he thought when he finally saw that he had 63 missed calls and all from me...I'm going to have to do that and get back to ya with that info.)
I kept driving, crying and trying to breath, it was not pretty! Somehow I ended up in front of the Ogden Temple, well actually behind it on a side street, but there I was, holding this beautiful email and looking at the temple. I kept telling myself not to get too excited and we have been through this before, but really, this time it just felt different and I couldn't help it, I was already emotionally invested... as girls, I guess we do that.
Finally,
Jimi called back! He could tell that I had been crying and he thought I had finally had enough of the drama at work and just walked out! :) Not yet... He asked where I was and when I told him that I was at the Ogden Temple, the poor guy didn't know what was going on. I told him about the email and I told him that I actually had printed it off and started reading it to him. It wasn't a real long note, so when I was done moments later,
Jimi didn't say a single word. I had to ask him what he was thinking and he, being my protector, told me that it was great and it was exciting but that we needed to be careful because 'we have been here before.' And we had been here before, but not
right here. It was never a direct contact from a
birthmom and it was never because 'something about us just stood out'. I told him that I needed him to keep me calm but also to get excited because I thought this was it. I really believed this was our daughter!
So after about an hour and a half, I went back to work, didn't say a word to anyone and I emailed her back. That was a Friday. Sunday we heard back from her. We emailed for a week and met our
birthmom, Kristy, and her parents on the following Monday. I was so excited, but the closer we got to the
restaurant in Salt Lake, the colder my hands got and the faster my heart started beating! By the time she and her parents walked in, I thought I was going to pass out. Dinner went really well.
Jimi was awesome! He is so good at carrying on conversation. Me, I tried to, I think I did
ok, but I was so nervous! Imagine if you will, the biggest job interview you have ever had, then multiply that by about a thousand! Anyway, the longer we were there, the easier it became. Kristy's parents, Dave and Vickie were so great. I watched them and watched Kristy and just in my simple observation, I could tell that they had a great relationship and that there was a lot of love in this family. So we were at dinner for about two and a half hours and then we parted ways. We brought with us a basket of our favorite things for Kristy. In it was dove chocolates, white tea and cactus and orange pomegranate
scentsy bars, gummy worms, my favorite movie, "While You Were Sleeping", aloe socks, a bracelet with a charm on it that said 'follow your heart' and some other loot that I don't really remember! :) So we gave that to Kristy and she was great! And actually, her favorite smell from
scentsy is also white tea and cactus!!
After dinner we got in the elevator to the parking garage and they walked through the lobby to their car. We had a great time and it couldn't have gone any better; however, as soon as those elevator doors closed I felt so dark, so alone and so
completely discouraged. We headed back home and I was a terrible mess...In fact, I could hardly breath, much worse than on the way down three hours before! I made
Jimi call our caseworker at 9:30 at night and ask her if me freaking out was in any way normal?! I really don't know what I expected to feel but apparently I wasn't handling it well. Marisa (our caseworker) told
Jimi something that I will never forget, she said that Satan has a way of putting doubt and fear into adoptive families because if he can stop you from building a relationship than he has destroyed another eternal family. That is what I felt! I felt doubt and fear and inadequacies. I felt Satan. He is real and he sucks!
Jimi and I spent a lot of time on our knees that night. I am pretty sure we only slept
in between prayers and tears. I felt a little more calm but still not great. I didn't have to work but had staff meeting the next morning and so I got up at 6 and got ready. I cried the entire way to work. Got to work and looked like I had been on crack! My eyes were glassy, red and puffy and no amount of makeup was going to change that. Before I left to come home, I checked my email and there was a note from Kristy! She told us that she had a dream about us where we were at the hospital with her and we were holding the baby! That was it! That was all I needed to hear, it wasn't asking us to be her baby's parents, but for now, it was enough!
So days came and went and by Sunday, Kristy and her mom were in our home and she presented us with a
beautiful baby gift. She told us that she wanted to be the first one to give us a present because we were going to parents! That single moment made up for peeing on hundreds of home pregnancy tests and seeing one solid pink line that screamed at me, "NO!" That afternoon we finally told our families! For nearly three weeks we had not told them, it was torture and nearly impossible! Kristy had given us ultrasound pictures and I casually just asked my family if they wanted to see pictures of our baby?? It was priceless! There were screams, there were tears. It was awesome!
So, for the past four and half months we have been emailing,
texting, calling, going to doctor's appointments, attending adoption seminars and becoming great friends with our Kristy. She is the strongest person I know and I know she was meant for us, to bring our baby girl to this world because we couldn't on our own. She is our angel and she is our hero! I know
birthmothers are amazingly special and I believe they understand our Father in Heaven's sacrifice of His son a little better than anyone else. They know pain. They know heartache. They know sacrifice. They know love. They get it.
Kristy, if you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for being who are and following your heart. Thank you for trusting us to do something that you could have easily done on your own, and no doubt, would have done it well. Thank you for living the gospel and following the Spirit each and every day. Thank you for bringing Grace into our lives and thank you for giving her a mom and a dad. We love you with all that we are. Oh! The places you'll go! (And we can't wait to hear about it all!)
We love Kristy and love that Gracie has so many of her qualities. I couldn't help but look at this picture and see how much of Kristy she has in her, and more than just what meets the eye. We are truly blessed to have Kristy in our lives. I will say it again, I LOVE adoption!
We LOVE you, Kristy!
