Part IV...the photographs and THE END. :)

My first night.  I was freezing and only had this sheet.

Bi-pap and art line 

This was as I was starting to wake up.  Freaky picture really.

Christmas Day!

So happy to see my baby girl.

Our first family Christmas picture.

After Tracy and Mom washed my hair.  I was exhausted. 

This is right after Dr. Lawton told me that I was going to be extubated!  I was so excited!!!!  This is the scene Jimi and Trace walked into.

 

Dr. Lawton.  He was the one who held my hand when I was put into the coma and he is the one who sent me outta the ICU.  Love him!

Trying to pass my tests before they would remove my ET tube.

Ok. Here it goes....

h.a.p.p.y.

 

Gross. Maybe I should have asked to keep it as a souvenir.

Trying to speak.  Asking to brush my teeth.  :)

My love.  :)

My personal nurse, Tracy.  Love her!

Dad and Mom.  Love them so much.

Ahh, the moment I had been waiting for!  My sweet baby girl!

The Jars minus Roxy.  She wasn't ever given permission to visit.  :(

I think she may have missed reading time just as much as I did. 

My version...Part III.

That night they gave me a pain killer to sleep instead of the terrible Ambien.  It worked for a few hours but by 3:30 AM I was awake.  It was ok.  It was Sunday morning and I was in the best spirits!  I was watching infomercials on tv.  Jack Lullane was on with his famous juicer!  I was soo into that commercial!  When my nurse, Lori (she was my nurse for about 4 days in a row, and I love her), came into to say good morning, I wrote on my white board that as soon as I was home, I was going to make juice with that juicer!  I told her that my parents have one of those bad boys in their storage room and never use it and I was going to take it to my house with me and live on fresh juice for the rest of my life!  :)  Then my cute little returned missionary aid came in to introduce himself.  I wish I knew an eligible 20 year old girl because he was awesome!

A few hours went by and a few more infomercials too, then I was watching an old conference talk by Elder Ballard about faith.  It was such a great day!  Then my little tech came back in and gave me a high five when I was watching conference.  He was just so cute!  He told me he was in pre-med at WSU with just a few semesters left and then off to med school.  He is going to be a cardiologist.  I know he will get there and he will be so great.  Anyway, he actually came in to give me my sponge bath....yeah, I know.  I hated those dang things with such a passion and they gave me one twice a day!!!  But to be honest, out of the few days that I really remember, he was the only person male or female who did it with such respect.  He first asked me if I was ok with him doing it and then he told me he would keep me as modest as possible.  As uncomfortable as that is, he made it less so. 

So then about an hour later I went for another walk at about 7:30 AM.  I walked around the entire unit.  It felt so great.  I still was using a walker and had my medical entourage around me, but I did it and could have gone around the unit again but my nurse didn't want me to overdo it.  At about 8, Dr. Lawton came in and checked me out.  I was back in bed, but awake and sitting up and feeling good.  He looked at my stats and said I was doing really great.  He then spoke the greatest words I had heard the entire stay in the hospital, he asked me if I really wanted the trach?!  When I shook my head no he said,  "Merry Christmas!!  Better late then never, right?  Let's get that tube out of you and get you on your way home!"  I was so stoked!!!  I just nodded and smiled around my ET tube.  It was the best feeling ever!

So my RT had to come in and do some tests before they could extubate me.  They wanted to make sure my esophagus hadn't become too swollen around the tube.  So I did all the things they asked me to do and prayed that I was passing!  Jimi and Tracy walked into my room in the middle of my tests and they were so happy for me!  They were cheering and Tracy even caught a few pictures of me being extubated.  Dr. Lawton did say that they would extubate me but that if I wasn't doing well in the moments after they would have to put me right back under and intubate again.  I was bound and determined that once that tube came out  it was never going in again!

So a small crowd of my incredible team gathered around and Kathy, the RT, told me to start coughing.  She grabbed the tube and just pulled it right out!  It was disgustingly long, and it really hurt.  Kinda like your insides are being pulled out through your mouth.  Haha!  :)  But really, it wasn't pleasant, but it didn't last that long either.  They asked me to speak and so the first thing I said, in my raspy, barely there voice, was ask to brush my teeth.  :)  Seriously people, two weeks without brushing....gross!  They told me that I owed someone a kiss first though.  So Jimi kissed me, it was so magical, I'm sure, wires sticking out, nasty breath, dry, cracked lips...  So, they got me a toothbrush and away I went. 

In all the excitement of extubating me, my RT accidentally pulled out my NG (feeding tube) too.  She felt so bad but as far as I was concerned I was fine having that out too!  But I wasn't allowed to eat or drink for 24-30 hours so they wanted it put back in.  Dang!  My nurse was having some trouble getting it in.  She would put it in my nose and feed it down and then use this syringe to pump air into my tummy to listen for it.  It was a weird feeling.  Then she would pull on the syringe and get some of my bile to check the color and see if it was in the right spot. Yeah, weird to see your inner juices coming and going back and forth through your nose.  Gross.  So anyway, about an hour later, two x-rays to check for placement and several attempts it was finally in and my formula was being pumped back through me. 

Tracy, Jimi and I wanted to surprise mom and dad with my ET tube being out, so Tracy called them and asked them to come up and bring Gracie. (After my drastic improvements seeing her on Christmas, my docs said she could come up as much as we wanted!  Did I mention how good they were to me?!)  Tracy told mom that I had a really hard night and that I just wanted to see Grace.  So about an hour later, in walk mom and dad and baby Grace and the funniest part is, they didn't even notice!  Granted, I did still have a lot of other wires and IVs...  So, they walked in and said hi and and I just stuck my tongue out and whispered, "no trach!!!!!"  It was so great to see the looks on their faces!  They were so happy and excited and full of questions. 

Jimi stayed with me that day, as he did every other day, (but this day I remember him being there the entire time) and we just hung out in my ICU room and took naps and laughed and whispered.  :)  I knew waking up, that it was going to be a good day, but it ended up being the best!  My nurse told me that I was going to stay in the ICU for at least another 24-36 hours to monitor my breathing and other systems.  I so anxious to be out of there! 

Funny story, whenever Jimi went to the cafeteria or out to get some lunch or dinner, when he would come back I always would ask him what he had to drink. I did that every time single time. Even when I was intubated, I would write it down and ask. I could care less about what he had eaten I just wanted to know what he drank. So if he replied lemonade or water, I would ask if it was good? He was so cute and always said 'not really'. A few times he even told me gatorade because he knows that I hate that stuff!


So later that night, in walks Dr. Lawton again and he was asking me just some random questions and then all of a sudden he just says, "you don't need to be here, the ICU is for sick people, and you are not sick!"  It took a couple of hours to get me transferred.  They had to get my room ready on the 3rd floor.  They had to take out my foley catheter (that in itself was a gift!) and they had to pack up all my flowers and plants.  Which by the way, I had a lot of!  I had so many wonderful people send me things, I remember hearing the comment several times by the staff that my room looked like a floral shop.  :)

So my transfer to the 3rd floor was more like a parade.  My entire family ( like 20+ people) and the ICU staff lined the hallway and these two cute nurses rolled me down in a wheel chair!!!  Not a bed!  :)  It was marvelous!  Like 3 minutes after getting into my new room, which felt like a hotel after the ICU, was ask if I could take a shower.  The 3 nurses, yup 3, all said sure and there were towels and shampoo in there for me.  That was it?!  They weren't going to stay and make sure I didn't like fall over dead in there?  It was so weird.  I was allowed to get up all by myself and take a shower....alone.  They did take off my wires for me and then they were outta there.  I was so baffled!  Jimi had planed on staying the night with me, so he sat on the floor outside the bathroom ready to jump in if I needed him.  I was in that shower for like a half hour!  There was one of those geriatric shower seats, which I totally needed.  I couldn't stand on my own for very long, so I did use that thing.  At one point I dropped my shampoo and I just squatted down to get it.....only I couldn't stand back up!  I had forgotten that I hadn't really used my legs or 13 days and yeah my muscles forgot how to work.  So, I crawled over to the toilet and pushed myself up. 

That night I slept pretty well.  They came in every 4 hours!  I couldn't believe it!  In the ICU someone came in like every twenty minutes to do something, so four hours seemed like an eternity.  And then when they did come in they all apologized for waking me.  It was weird.  I knew I was in the hospital but it seemed worlds away from the ICU.  I was so amazed how everyone found me though.  My RTs still came in every 6 hours to do a breathing treatment, my same PT came in to do exercises with me.  Hospitals are like their own little world.  The next morning I still woke up way early, like 5 AM.  I was wide awake only it was a Monday so I tuned in to KSL and watched Scott Hawes report about a murder/suicide in Ogden, a drunk guy who drove his sweet new silverado into the Provo River, Charlie Sheen who beat up his wife on Christmas Day and Tiger Woods 'alleged' affairs!  Yup.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was like my whole world had stood still for like 14 days and yet everyone else's just kept going.  It was so odd.  Then I looked over at my sweet hubby laying on this awful pullout chair thing and I felt so blessed.  It was that moment that I really wanted to just climb out of bed and go cuddle with him.  All of a sudden I think things started to sink in for me.  I couldn't go cuddle because I still had my patchwork of wires that were monitoring my heart rate, BP and my good ole' feeding tube. 

So later on Jimi went home to shower and see Grace and I had my swallow study.  Basically it was so lame and I was kinda bugged that it was so simple.  All the speech therapist did was make sure I didn't choke the first time I had something in my mouth.  I had to show her my tongue and talk as loud as I could, which was more of a quiet whisper anyway.  So I did that and she passed over the water!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHH!  At last!  I drank three cups of the coldest, most perfect ice water I had ever tasted!  She gave me one, then I downed it and asked for two more!  :)  She told me I had to show that I could eat some food so I ate a few bites of applesauce and a graham cracker.  That was it.  She had pudding with her but I told her I couldn't stomach that.  I hate pudding on my best days anyway.  She was really nice but it kinda just seemed a little basic to me.  Oh well, I know there is a reason.  So after that she told me I could eat whatever I wanted and a few minutes later one of the doctors from the ICU came up and checked on me and took out my feeding tube.  As gross as this is, that nasty brown formula they had pumping through me smells the same going in as it does coming out and it isn't pleasant!  Somehow earlier that day something came unhooked and the formula leaked all over me and my pajamas were covered in it.  It was so very smelly.

I called Trace right after I did my ice water marathon.  She told me she was so happy to hear my raspy little voice and have me to tell her how happy I was to have a drink.  Jimi came right back and brought with him my laptop and cellphone and he helped me order my lunch.  Fettuccine Alfredo. One of my favorites.  Only it wasn't.  It was awful.  I took one smell and it was over for me.  I did try it because I had to, Jimi made me, but it was terrible.  Everything was terrible for about three weeks.  I lost like fifteen pounds because I wasn't eating.  I would try but everything tasted the same and it all tasted disgusting!  Well my doctors said that some people have issues after being intubated for so long but to be patient and at least try to eat.  If there was nothing that was do-able, I had to drink Ensure.  So guess what I ended up doing?  Drinking Ensure!  Yuck!  That was awful too but at least they were small cans packed with tons of vitamins so everyone was happy.  Dr. Kirwin told me that I had to drink those for every meal and then she would think about letting me go home tomorrow.  But she said, that is pretty fast so don't count on it.  Oh, but I already did!  I just knew that I was going home soon. 

Monday afternoon my PT came and got me and we walked around the 3rd floor and then down to the ICU to visit.  I went down two flights of stairs and my legs felt like jello but besides that, I was doing great!  I was off the oxygen, only had to wear my pulseox monitor when I was in bed and I felt on top of the world!  Everyone who saw me was just amazed that less then 24 hours earlier, I was on a vent. 

I got back to my room and Tracy and Jimi were there.  Two of my favorite people.  Trace had brought us all Chocolate Blasts from Baskin Robins only I couldn't drink mine.  It tasted like feet!  So sad.  But she also brought me a book she had put together (yes, she is pretty amazing) with all of her blog entries, the comments from all my friends and family and my facebook comments too.  I was so excited to read about my journey and I immediately jumped into it.  About two pages in I was in total disbelief.  Was this really me?!  Is this really what I just went through?!  I had about five thousand emotions going through me at once and I started to feel sick.  My heart rhythm started doing weird things and I honestly felt so bad.  How was it that just an hour before I was walking all over the hospital and so full of life and now here I was lying in my bed feeling scared, sick, sad and so many other things? 

I put the book down and decided that I just couldn't deal with it all right then but about ten minutes later I was reading it again.  I got through the entire thing and felt numb.  I read it again and again until I felt like I had a better idea of what I had just gone through.  I had so many questions and so many concerns.  In the ICU everyone was so upbeat and so happy that I was doing so well that no one really every told me how sick I actually was, with good reason I'm sure.  And you would think that being in the ICU for 13 days, I would have figured it out, but I hadn't!  I mean it was 13 days to everyone else, but to me it had been like 3.  That is all I had, all I could remember.  And yes, I am thankful that I don't remember those awful days when my family would come in and see me and cry.  I don't remember being in much pain.  I don't remember being tied to my bed with restraints so I wouldn't extubate myself.  For that I am so grateful, but I was struggling with the fact that I didn't remember anything.  For so many days.  They were just gone.  I am not sure you can really understand that until you have been through it but I felt extremely vulnerable and emotional about it all. 

Jimi stayed that night with me too.  I was so afraid to be left alone.  Mom and Tracy both offered to stay the night with me but I wanted Jimi.  I wanted him to hold my hand and tell me that everything was ok.  He did and I cried.

The next day morning I woke up and felt horrible.  The plan was for me to get up with my PT and see how I was doing and then my doctors would evaluate what to do next.  I couldn't even get up with my PT.  I tried.  I almost passed out in the shower that morning.  It took everything I had to get dressed.  I ordered a smoothie and some jello for breakfast and almost threw up when I tried them.  I felt dizzy and light-headed and like I wasn't breathing very well.  I was struggling.  I was drained.  I was so scared that they were going to send me back to the ICU!  A little while later, Dr. Leung came in to check on me.  I told Jimi not to tell him that I felt like crap or they wouldn't let me go home.  Jimi told him anyway.  He was so awesome though.  He told me that a hospital is no place for someone who is recovering from what I just went through and that I needed to be at home!  AHHH....music to my ears.  He told me he wanted me back on oxygen for the next week until I met with my primary care physician.  He aslo told me that I was a miracle.  It was the first time anyone had actually said to me, "you almost died, but you didn't, you are here, so take it easy on yourself"  I started crying.  I thanked him for his aggressive care of me and he said, "it was no problem"!  Ha!  I loved my doctors! 

For whatever reason it took like four more hours to get me discharged.  I had to have my second picc line removed and get my pneumonia shot.  After everything I had just been through, I was scared the picc line was going to hurt when it was removed.  It didn't.  But really, I was nervous. 

I was wheeled out of the hospital at a little after 1 PM.  It was snowing and I had on no shoes, just hospital socks.  I remember passing so many people in the halls on the way out and no one knew me.  I was just a patient in the hospital going home.  I almost felt invisible. No one questioned the tech wheeling me out.  No one asked if I was ok, they just let me go.  It was so weird.  Nothing about those moments felt familiar at all and yet I couldn't have been happier to leave.

Driving home to mom and dad's was surreal.  I was in a car that I had driven thousands of miles in and on roads that I had spent years traveling back and forth on and it all felt unfamiliar and familiar at the same time.  Jimi pulled into their garage and helped me and my giant oxygen tank out.  I headed toward the stairs and got to them and couldn't even will myself up them.  My legs forgot how to go up.  We decided not to tell anyone I was coming, we wanted to surprise them.  My mom was folding laundry in her room and Gracie was there with her asleep in her pack n' play.  I slowly made my way to them and it felt new.  I bent down and kissed Grace.  Mom jumped up to give me a blanket and a hug.  I sat in a chair in my parents room and looked around.  It seemed different.  It was like I had always been there but it just was different.  I don't know how to explain it.  Roxy, all sixty pounds of her, crawled onto my lap and suddenly I felt like home. 

We had our first Jarman family of three Christmas that night in my parents' home.  Mom and Dad and Tracy, Matt, Spencer and Carter were all there too.  Typing about it brings tears to my eyes.  I wanted nothing more than to just sit back and soak up my family and the love I felt for each of them and the sacrifices they had and were making for me.  I felt so tired and yet I didn't want those moments to end.  We exchanged our presents.  My shopping hadn't been completed before I got sick so I was nervous as to what was under the tree for Jimi and Gracie and yet, it was all there.  Everything I had planned on getting was there.  My mom and my sister are true angels.  How they knew, I'm not sure, but it was all there.  My dad was so sweet too, even though I wasn't in the hospital, I had my own nurse in him.  He tried to drowned me with orange juice and checked on me at least 37 times each day to make sure my hands and feet were warm.

I wish I could say that all of my bad habits were replaced with only good ones and that I am a completely different person than I was before I got sick but I can't.  I still do bratty things to the people I love the most and everyday I am still trying to be deserving of the blessings I have been given.  Three days after I was released from the hospital I learned of a former co-worker's son who had passed away that very day from H1N1.  He never made it to the hospital.  I had never met him but I was overcome with grief.  At the time I felt so guilty that I was alive and he wasn't.  He had a brand new family to support and a baby on the way.  He had everything to live for.  He was taken anyway.  In the days that followed I really struggled with feelings of guilt and sadness mixed with feelings of complete gratitude.  I am so sorry for this family that lost their son, brother, father and husband.  My heart breaks for them.  The only thing I know for certain is life isn't always what you expect but there are tender mercies along the way and sometimes you just have to wait a little longer than others to be see them.

My doctors keep telling me that it will take a good year to totally recover. Most days I honestly feel like it never happened; however, it did take several months to get back to my old self. I went through some things that I wasn't really prepared for. Not being able to care for my baby by myself for several weeks. Not being able to walk across a room without feeling winded. Not being able to shower and dress myself without someone else's help. Those things got better with time, other things I am still learning to deal with. Things like my hair falling out in the handfuls and totally freaking me out. Daily nose bleeds. Insomnia still....five months later. Sporadic anxiety attacks. Getting a cold and coughing and immediately remembering how it felt to not be able to breathe. But also things like hearing my three year old nephew tell me how much he missed me when I was in the hospital. Holding my baby and hearing her call me mama. Laughing with my best friend and husband who has always been my rock. The goodness and generosity of complete strangers who prayed for me. The encouragement of a family who is my biggest support and best friends. The love of a Father in Heaven who has a plan for me and the knowledge of and total belief in a Savior who died for me.

My version... Part II.

So the 5th floor. My nurse came in and introduced herself and told me that they were pumping me full of some pretty strong IV antibiotics and asked if I was prone to yeast infections cause if I was, these drugs could definitely create some issues for me. She recommended I eat as much yogurt as I could handle and to just rest up. I should be out of there in about 2 days. So for dinner an hour later, my sister ordered me a yogurt parfait, a chicken pot pie and a sprite. My mom headed home to help with the babies and Tracy stayed with me. She said she would stay until Jimi got there. He was on a plane right then and should be here in a few hours.

I remember being sooo super cold and then so super hot. My fever was out of control. They wouldn't let me have anything more than a sheet and didn't want to give me any fever reducing drugs, it needed to go away by itself. Only it wasn't. I ate maybe two bites of my yogurt, a sip of my sprite and never even touched my pot pie. I couldn't really remember having a yeast infection, I think I may have once or twice, but I was so afraid I was going to get one if I didn't eat that darn yogurt. Only I couldn't eat anything. I was so sleepy. At some point Jimi got there. I don't really remember much about seeing him that night. I know that he stopped at home and brought me my pillow. He loves me and knows how much I love my own pillow.

The next morning I remember someone coming into my room, actually several someones, and telling me that they were transferring me to the 3rd floor. The cardio/thoracic unit. So off I went. They said that I needed to be monitored a little closer. They couldn't get ahold of my husband so I had them call my mom. Several people come in and out of my room. A man named, Rod comes in and tells me he is a respiratory therapist and is going to sew in an art line in my wrist to better monitor my heart rate. He aslo whips out this awful devise called a bi-pap and puts it over my entire face to force more air in every time I took a breath. I really cannot tell you how long I was there. I do remember Tracy and Jimi getting there and teasing me about all the attention I was getting. Next thing I know, someone else comes in and tells us that they are transferring me to the ICU. This is where it all starts to get a little fuzzy for me.

I was on the bi-pap for about 24 hours and my lungs were still failing. I didn't realize it had been 24 hours. If I had to guess I would have told ya it was about 2 hours. I guess it shows how out of it I really was. I remember one of my old neighbors who I also went to high school with came in with another dude to put in my picc line. I remember it pinching a little bit as they put the catheter into my arm. I remember the kid saying hi to me and I just kept thinking how awful I must look! :) Funny huh? I am pretty much dying and I was worried because my hair wasn't done and I wasn't wearing a bra. This may sound a little vain to some people and it probably was, but this kid had a crush on me at one point in our young adolescent lives and I just couldn't help but thinking that he must be thinking, 'wow, I totally dodged a bullet with this girl!' :) Anyway, I remember how many people kept coming and going and I felt a little exposed to be honest. I was so helpless just lying there in my bed. My doctor came in and asked me how the bi-pap was feeling and I said "ok" but I remember thinking it was just terrible. The air was so dry and the mask so uncomfortable. I just didn't want to bug them and complain, I obviously needed the thing!

Like I said, I was on that machine for about a day but that is all I remember from that day. All of a sudden Jimi and Tracy were there with me. They came in for just a minute and hugged and kissed me. Jimi told me he loved me and he had tears in his eyes. Tracy did too. The next thing I knew my doctor came into my room and told me they were going to take me off the bi-pap. BUT they were going to put me to sleep and put a tube down my throat and into my lungs so a machine would breath for me so I could just rest. I remember him being very calm about all of this which was a blessing. I didn't freak out on the outside, I just don't think I had enough strength, but I will never ever forget how scared I was on the inside. I remembered reading the newspapers and seeing on the news of several people who were put in a medical induced coma and intubated because of H1N1 and they never woke up. That was my first thought. Next he took off the mask and asked if I had any questions. I just said, "I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up." And this was the loneliest moment of my entire life. No one said anything in return. There were probably 10 people in my room and no one said anything. Dr. Lawton did squeeze my hand and I knew at that moment that he didn't really know if I was going to wake up either. I was terrified. So many things flashed before me in a matter of milliseconds. Gracie. Jimi. Mom. Dad. Roxy. Tracy. My brothers. My nephews and nieces. Then Gracie and Jimi again. I started praying. I prayed that I would be calm and that I would not be scared. I prayed that I would not be alone. Immediately, I wasn't scared anymore and I know I definitely was not alone. I remember feeling so calm for the seven seconds before they knocked me out. I have told some people this and they have responded that it was probably the drugs, that they work really fast, but I know it was more than that. I remember thinking that if this is what it felt like to die that I wasn't afraid. I never thought I would be thinking those things at 27 years old and being a mom for only three months. Then I was sleeping.

Tracy and Jimi have shared so much with me about that day. They both have told me in their own words just how difficult that moment was for them. They told me that they went into the hall and literally just fell apart. Jimi had fears that he was going to loose his wife and his daughter because our adoption wasn't finalized yet and wouldn't be for another three or so months. Tracy said I looked so scared. She said she will never forget the look on my face when the doctor told me of the plan. I hope that someday she will forget that.

So that was on a Thursday. From what I hear the next three days were the worst. No one really knew if I was going to live or die. Tracy has told me that she was so scared to leave me at night fearing that they would get a phone call in the middle of the night. My brother-in-law, Steve, flew in from St. Louis. Steve has been an ICU trauma nurse for 17 plus years. He knows his stuff and was able to help my family and Jimi better understand the severity of the situation, all the medical jargon and the procedures.  I was sleeping the entire time he was there. So sorry I missed his visit. :)  During those three days another breathing machine called an oscillator sat outside my door.  The day I left the hospital the head RT told me that it was a miracle they never had to use that!  And more often then not the oscillator is only used as the last resort when there is little hope left.  Kinda interesting too, they had located a special bed for me and it could be delievered to the hospital in a few hours if I needed it.  Apparently there are only 5 of these beds in all of Utah.  Basically as I understood it, they strap your body across to it and then flip you over and it works along with gravitiy to help your lungs to rest even more.  The only thing I can think of is kinda like the Samurai ride at Lagoon when you are just hanging there looking at the ground.  :)  I am sure it is a lot different, but kinda the same idea.  Thankfully, it never came to that.

At some point I made the turn and my fever broke. My family no longer had to put on gowns and masks to come in and see me. I was in septic shock so they had to put on these ghost buster suits to come in my room. :) I was still asleep though so don't remember. I just remember seeing other families doing that to go in and see their loved one after I had woken up and I remember thinking, well at least I wasn't that bad, apparently I was though. I guess I started waking up on that Wednesday about 7 days after I was put under, to be honest, I do not remember this day at all. I do very vaguely remember the next day, Christmas Eve. I remember being told that it was Christmas Eve and I remember thinking how weird that was because I came in 10 days earlier and don't really remember much. I remember being sad because I was missing everything. I was missing Gracie's first Christmas.

I woke up really early like around 5 AM on Christmas. I had this cute little Christmas tree in my room that Tracy and my mom had brought in. I remember between consciousness looking at that tree and thinking of my family. Jimi got there around 8 AM and told me about Gracie and how she had slept really well that night. My doctor came in a little later and told me the next step. A tracheotomy. Again, I remember being just really calm. I was ok with it because I knew it would mean I was actually improving. And I thought, that means I get to go home soon. But mostly, I thought it meant that I could have a drink of water. He told me that I still wouldn't be able to drink for a while. Bummer! Then he reminded me that it was Christmas day and the ENT doc wouldn't be able to do it till tomorrow. Bummer again!

So a few hours later my family came in a few at a time and wished me a Merry Christmas. I don't remember a lot of this. Sorry, guys. I do remember Jimi saying that he was going to leave for a minute so other people could come in. There was a 2 person limit, but the ICU staff was awesome and never really enforced that with us. I remember thinking that I didn't want Jimi to leave and to just stay and be there with me but I couldn't talk and writing was near impossible so I couldn't tell him that. I was sad when he left. My mom and dad were there. Tracy was there. Amy and Craig were there too. If anyone else was there, sorry again. It is fuzzy! So about three minutes later Jimi walked in and brought the best present ever with him, Gracie. She was wearing this cute little white polka dotted dress and a purple headband. She had on tights and was just the best Christmas present ever. I don't know if I was crying, I felt like crying, I was so happy. But I remember everyone else had tears in their eyes. Even my nurse! Gracie sat on my tummy and we had our family Christmas picture taken. It was not how I ever imagined it would be but when it came down to it, it was the best motivation for me to get better. She didn't stay for very long. She was really interested in all the IVs and tubes and machines. I felt like in the last few weeks that my baby had grown so much! She was so big and I struggled holding her but it was still amazing to see her. I missed her so much!  As fuzzy as most every other memory is for me of that day, this one is completely clear.  I remember every moment being with my baby. 

I was pretty worn out after that. Tracy and my mom washed my hair that afternoon and I was even more drained. I remember it being fairly early in the afternoon and writing down in my barely legible handwriting that I wanted them all to go home and enjoy Christmas. They all needed a break from the hospital and I would be fine. Jimi too. I don't think they wanted to leave but they really needed to. My family had been so amazing through all of this and I felt like that was the only thing I could really give anyone for Christmas.  Jimi had been there for the last 10 days and he needed to spend some time away. 

I think I slept off and on all afternoon and I remember watching the Pixar special that night. The animated shorts. One thing that I hated about the ICU is that my sleep patterns were all over the place. I slept a lot here and there but it was never a good sleep. And I would wake up very early, between 4 and 5, everyday. I was anxious to get my trach the next day and get the tube out of my throat. My mouth was so dry and I would just dream about water. They gave me Ambien that night to help me sleep and I have sworn to never ever take that awful drug ever again. I was a crazy person on that stuff. I was hallucinating and literally thought I was on a train. I really thought they had hooked my hospital bed to all the other ICU patients' beds and we were moving back and forth on this train track thing. I swear my RT was wearing coveralls and a hat! And at some point it all was so loud that I requested earplugs to make everything quiet. True story, my nurse had to bust into the hospital sleep lab to find me some earplugs. Because I couldn't talk, I wrote. And even that wasn't too successful. I would have to say that this is the only awful thing I did as a patient, but I was soo frustrated and no one was paying attention to me being stuck on this train! So, I wrote to my nurse, "why the hell am I stuck on this train?!" Seriously, I did. My tech looked at my nurse and did the little crazy sign and asked if I was a little nuts? That is when I knew I wasn't really ever on a train. My nurse told me that it was the ambien and that sometimes it came make you hallucinate. Great.

So the next day I was able to get out of bed and walk down the ICU hall. Jimi was right there with me! He was such a wonderful support! I used a walker and my RT walked beside me bagging me so I still could breath. My PT walked behind me so I wouldn't fall. My nurse walked on the other side of me. I remember feeling so happy to be out of bed and out of that room! It was the first time in about 11 days that I was able to look out a window and see the outside world! From that point, I just improved. It was miraculous. The trach was still the plan but due to the holiday weekend, the ENT doc couldn't do it till Monday! Yuck! I was ready to do it myself right then! :) That night my mom and dad came and brought me a white board so I wouldn't be wasting so much paper. I was a white board maniac! It was the first time I could write and everyone could actually read it. My mom said I was writing a mile a minute! I was feeling so great. I wasn't feeling like someone who was still on a vent! My brother Scott, my dad, Jimi and brother-in-law, Matt stayed till about 10 that night and watched a football game in my room. I was just so happy to be aware and have them all there with me. It was a great night.

One thing that a lot of my family members have asked was what it felt like when they would suction me.  Basically they stuck this hose thingy down my vent tube and collected the junk from my lungs.  The RT would tell me to start coughing and then she/he would stick it down and slowly pull it out.  My mom said it was awful to watch.  It almost looked like I was having a seizure.  My entire body would shake for about 25 seconds and then it was over!  To answer the question, the only way I can describe it is to imagine having the wind knocked out of you over and over and over again in just a matter of moments.  There is literally no air.  I really hated that thing but I would feel so much better after it was done.  That is, until they did it again an hour later.  :)  I did get pretty good though at knowing when I needed it done.  They would come in and ask me and I would either give them a yes nod or a no nod.  Also, they let me control my yonkers.  It is like a giant dental suction thingy that I could clean out my mouth with, only this one never spit out any water.  :)  Just suction.

My version as I remember it. Part I.

DISCLAIMER:  This is extremely long and probably very boring to most of you, but this blog is my journal and I feel like someday I may want to remember all of this so here it goes...

I started feeling kinda sick on Wednesday, December 9th. It felt like I was just coming down with a cold. Ya know, the body aches and a little sore throat. Nothing that was too bad though. By Friday night I was feeling much worse. I had had a fever off and on for two days and my throat was hurting a lot worse, plus I had the start of a cough. I knew strep was going around so I just figured that I should get to the Instacare and have it taken care of. I wasn't feeling well enough to drive myself, so Jimi and Gracie piled in the care and off we went. We all walked in, I checked in and put on a mask and we sat far away from everyone else. Luckily it was a Friday night at 7 PM, so there were not a lot of other sickies there. :)

Having said that, we waited and waited and waited! By 8 PM, we were taken back to a room and waited some more till about 8:30 when the doctor (whom I choose to leave anonymous for his protection) walked in all chipper and said, "So Sarah, it sounds like you have the crud!" To this I replied, "yep, I don't feel very well."  He did his thing and 90 seconds later walked out. In walked his medical assistant with two prescriptions, one for amoxicillin for an ear infection (which I don't think I even had, aren't they pretty painful?! My ear was a little sore, but NOTHING compared to my throat and the annoying cough...) and the other Rx was for a cough syrup that he never even told me he was giving me. He did ask me if I had been coughing a lot and then he asked Jimi if he was getting any sleep laying next to me all night.  So I guess that was all the info he needed to prescribe the codeine.  I expected him to come back in and finish talking to me, he never did. So, after an hour and half wait, I got 90 seconds of his time. We knew H1N1 was going around and when we asked him if he thought I had it, he just said, "You could, it's hard to tell. Just get some rest and give it some time." Great, thanks doc. I am thankful that I did have the mind to ask him to look at Gracie's ears as well just to make sure she was ok. To this he replied, "yeah, ok, just don't tell IHC that I did it for free." To put it mildy, I was annoyed.

So anyway, we got into the car and headed to Walgreens to drop off the Rx and Jimi and I were talking about his very rushed bedside manner and that is when it dawned on both of us that Dr. Anonymous never listened to me breath!  He didn't use his stethoscope once during those 90 seconds. I  was never asked to take a deep breath, not once!  Jimi and I just chalked it up to him being tired and wanting to get out of there just as badly as we did.   But still, I remember talking specifically about how I wished he would have listened to my lungs and I couldn't believe that he didn't.  He was the doctor and that is his job!  Especially if someone comes in specifically for a sore throat and cough.  And besides, isn't it routine anyway....like ya know, you go in for a stubbed toe and they have you do the deep breathing and they whip out the stethoscope???  Right?  Stupid me, I didn't think about it till I was in the car and half way down the road!!!  Argh!  Oh, well. 

So we are at Walgreens and I decide that I am NOT going to have the cough syrup script filled.  I just had this uneasy feeling about it.  He never told me he was giving it to me and I was just annoyed enough to not really trust him.  Funny now, looking back I don't think it was cause I was annoyed, I know it was the Holy Ghost telling me not to fill it.  As it turns out, several of my doctors told me that if I would have taken that, it would have masked my symptoms to a point and by the time they were worse it could have been too late to get any help.  Tender mercies are everywhere! 

Fast forward two days.  I spent most of Saturday and Sunday in bed.  From what I remember that is.  Monday morning Jimi was scheduled to fly to Vegas for 3 days for work.  Monday morning came and I couldn't get out of bed.  I couldn't take care of Gracie.  I was sick.  We decided that I just needed more time to rest, that my "ear infection" was actually just a flu bug and as soon as my fever broke, I would feel better.  He missed his flight to stay home and take care of us but still really needed to get down to Vegas.  So Monday afternoon, I packed up some stuff for me, for Grace and for Roxy and the three of us Jar girls headed to mom's and dad's and Jimi headed to the airport.  My mom had taken the next day (Tuesday) off work to go to a doctor appointment for herself.  Originally she was just going to take off the afternoon but after talking to Jimi Monday, she decided to take the morning off too to help me with Grace....or so we all thought.  :)

I remember rocking Gracie to sleep that night feeling like I was going to die myself.  My fever would come and go, based on the Tylenol kicking in and then wearing off.  I bent down to lay her in the crib at my parents' and I started coughing.  I tried to stifle it because I didn't want to wake her.  I got her all tucked in and immediately left the room to engage in a huge coughing fit.  I was coughing and gasping and coughing some more.  My mom came out and turned on the fire place and we talked for several hours into the night because I simply couldn't breathe if I laid down.  Finally in the middle of the night I decided I was tired enough and if I propped myself up just right, I could breathe and sleep.  I slept in the bedroom across from Gracie for two reasons.  The first, I didn't want her to get this flu bug and the second being that I didn't want to cough and wake her up. 

Tuesday morning I felt like death.  Literally.  I decided a hot shower would help so I got into my parents' giant shower and I could hardly stand.  I just leaned up against the wall.  A bath.  A bath sounded even better.  I was so cold and knew I could just lay there, I wouldn't have to stand.  So I got out of the shower and shivered over to their giant jetted tub and filled it up with as hot of water as I could stand.  I laid there long enough to get warm.  Then I got too warm and I started coughing again.  I remember wrapping up in a towel and heading back to my bed.  I told my mom that I felt awful and I think I even said the words, "I just can't breath, I feel like I am dying."  I laid there naked in the bed and grabbed my cell phone and called my doctor's office but it was too early, they weren't open yet.  So I waited for about an hour and a half until they did open.  They couldn't get me in to my normal doctor but had an opening with another one in about 2 hours.  I took it. 

Not being able to drive myself, my mom packed up Gracie and I and drove me out to Roy to my doctor's office.  We just figured that I would go to the doctor, get something to help me breathe, go to my house, rest for a few hours and then go with my mom to her doctor's appointment and just wait in the car.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  So I walked in to my appointment and mom and Grace stayed in the car.  She was asleep and that is no place for a healthy baby.  So I get right back and they do my weight and then my PulseOx.  The cute little tech messes around with the gizmo and mutters something like, "that can't be right, let's try it again, it should be working..."  so she puts it back on my finger.  Again, "this one isn't working.  Let's try another one."  We walk across the hall and she uses a different PulseOx.  Then she says, "Are you dizzy?  Your oxygen is reading at 82%?  It should be like 98%.  I am going to get the doctor.  Just sit tight."

No less than two minutes later Dr. Ferrin comes over and whips out her stethoscope.  She seems a little alarmed and sends me right down to radiology for a chest x-ray.  I remember having a little trouble changing out of my clothes and into the robe without feeling like I was going to just fall over.  Finally, I am in the x-ray room hugging this cold metal machine so they can get a look at my lungs.  The rad tech does one, checks it, does it again, checks it, does it again and checks it, then has me reposition and does two more.  Yup 5 hits in like 5 minutes.  Then she says to me, "I just couldn't get a great shot of your lungs..."  That was it.  Nothing else. 

Back to my room and I can get dressed again.  Dr. Ferrin comes right in and asks if I am married.  I tell her yes.  She asks if my husband is here with me.  I tell her nope, he is in Vegas for work but my mom and three month old baby are in the car waiting for me.  She got this really concerned look on her face and asks me to call my mom and have her come in.  So my mom and little Miss Gracie, who is sound asleep, and completely covered with her cute little carseat cover that I had just made about a week earlier, come in and they send them right back to the room.  Dr. Ferrin gives me a breathing treatment in the meantime.  We are all gathered in the exam room and she starts explaining my condition.  Double Pneumonia. Extremely reduced lung capacity.  Probable H1N1.  Hospital.  Emergency Room.  Then I hear this, "Sarah has your baby been sick?"   "No.  I mean, she was like two weeks ago but not really since."  She checked out Gracie and thankfully, the little pink bundle of love was a.o.k.  By the way, Dr. Ferrin was amazing.  Pretty much a rockstar! 

So off to McKay-Dee we go.  I remember calling Jimi and leaving a voicemail that went something like this..."Hey Jimi, I just went to the doctor and they are sending me to the hospital to be admitted.  I have double pneumonia and probably swine flu.  Just wanted to let you know.  Call my mom when you can."  I could have been in shock, I don't know, it was all pretty casual.  I never did ask him what he thought when he heard that.  Funny.  I would really like to hear that voice message right now. 

Anyway, prior to this I had a brief 2 hour stint when I was in a car accident in high school, I had never been a patient in any hospital.  Because it was a gross ER, I didn't want Gracie going in, so my mom (who called my sister in the meantime to meet us up there as soon as she could) stayed in the car with Gracie and I walked in by myself and checked myself in, just like an adult.  Looking back.  I cannot believe how freakishly calm I was.  I was such a big girl!  :) 

So they knew I was coming and had all my x-rays and stuff already pulled up.  They lay me down on the hospital bed and hand me the paperwork.  I try to fill it out but I cannot think.  Everything just seemed to be gone!  I knew I was there and I knew why but computing my birthday and social security number and then being able to write it down seemed next to impossible!  A nurse comes in to start an IV and she cannot get a vein.  She tries another spot and blows the vein.  Someone else comes in to do it, goes to the other arm.  Blows that vein too.  Finally about the seventh try and an hour later I am getting some IV fluids.  I have hard veins anyway, but because I was so sick and so dehydrated it was next to impossible.  My mom and sister come in and I am covered in these awesome bruises.  They pretty much happened instantly.  My brother-in-law took Gracie home with him and his two youngsters.  Jimi had been finally contacted and was trying to get on the soonest plane home.  Tracy finished my paperwork for me.  The nurses were happy to have those papers. 

About an hour later I was transferred out of the ER and up to the 5th floor.  The cute little tech guy who pushed me and my bed up to the 5th floor was the same tech who pushed my Grandpa to his room about seven months earlier.  I told him I remember him from then and he was so cute and apologized that he didn't remember us.