My planned life.

I have this quote on the side of my blog ----> right over there.  I have it there and I love it.  Lately I have really been trying to live in the moment and to let go of the 'life I have planned.'  I haven't talked about this in a long time, really cause I haven't felt this in a really long time, but it has started to creep back in.  Let me back up and start again.

I got married when I was 19 years old.  I was 2 months shy of my 20th birthday, but I was still 19.  I have always hated telling people that I was only 19.  I dunno why?  I mean, I am lucky, blessed actually, to have found my best friend so early in life, so why should age really matter?  I dunno I guess maybe it's because I am a number person.  Ok, back on track, again! 

So married at almost 20 19.  Graduated from college with my bachelor's at 21.  This is where my planned life changed.  I was supposed to have 4 babies by the time I was 30.  It was in my plans.  I had 9 years to get those babies here.  It was so do-able!  Until it wasn't 

It took us 7 heartbreaking, marriage trying, hormone taking, glorious years to get baby #1 here.  That left me 3 years to get the next 3?  Alright, so it didn't take me long to figure out that my naive 'plans' for my life were dumb and were not going to happen.  Here is the best part though.  When I got baby #1 and I held her in my arms, I didn't worry or even think about #s 2, 3 and 4.  I truly believe that I got it at that point.  I could have all the plans in the world but I needed to stop it!  I needed to be grateful for the here and now!  Heavenly Father's plans are so much better than my own. 

Ok, so back to the beginning of this post.  Old feelings are starting to creep back in.  A few months ago I had a temporary set back in remembering that my life isn't run by my own plans.  I felt like we were ready for a baby right now.  Everything with the adoption paperwork was falling into place and I was sure that this was the reason we moved to Washington.  A few months into it, we started realizing how much work adoption is!  (I know, I have done it before, but I am a little slow sometimes...)  The paperwork goes slow, Washington law is much different than Utah and it takes time to get it all done.  Just because I wanted a baby I foolishly thought that I could hurry through it and bam!  It would be done and there would be my baby.  Ok, not really, but sorta. 

So when the paperwork started falling apart and I was still feeling that our baby was on it's way, I thought for like 3 days that maybe, just maybe, we should try to get pregnant again.  Or that maybe just maybe it might really happen?  I started thinking about ovulation kits and drugs and pregnancy tests and instead of being excited, I was terrified.  I was terrified because for 5 straight years we did that.  For 5 years I gave myself shots in the belly and took pills and took my daily temperature and recorded all sorts of things that I never wanted to even write down.  I promised myself 4 years ago that once we decided to adopt, that was it.  No more 'trying.'  It was such an amazing feeling to give myself.  I was happy to be done with it all.  So even the thoughts of wanting to even consider it sent me over the edge.  My poor husband was probably experiencing total Deja Vu. 

In Utah I had such a strong support network.  I had several friends right in my ward, down the street, who were going through the exact same thing as I was.  They understood completely the roller coaster of infertility and the blessing of adoption.  One of my very best friends in the entire world adopted a baby boy 4 months after Gracie was born.  She was awesome and she was a block away.

Here in Washington I have made some really great friends.  They are so nice and they have been so welcoming.  They are cute little mamas and Gracie adores having friends to play with.  There is just one thing, I feel very alone with this process.  They don't really understand infertility and adoption and I can't blame them one bit.  Just as I have no idea what to say when people talk about pregnancy, they probably don't know what to say about my situation.  So I don't really talk about it much.  I love these girls and I hope they all know what a blessing they are in my life.  Answers to prayers, really.  They are really sweet and very kind I just miss having that connection with a close friend, just down the street.  ;)

Now that I am thinking about baby #2 coming I feel some of those same old insecurities and emotions that come along with infertility.  I wasn't expecting them to be back.  I LOVE adoption.  I KNOW that was our Heavenly Father's plan to bring Gracie home to us, so why can't I get on board with it again?! 

2nd thing.  Yes, all of that ^ up there was just the 1st thing.  The 2nd thing is this entire move.  Moving away from my home, my family, my friends.  This new job was an answer to a lot of prayers.  It is a great opportunity for Jimi and for our family.  I knew it would cause me to stretch myself and I was excited for a new adventure.  Lately I have been telling myself, I will give it 3 years, but then we are going back!  ARGH!!  I am doing it again.  I am making plans that I have no business making.  I love the beauty of Washington.  I love the trees and the green and I really love the parks here!  There are some awesome parks!  I just simply miss my family.  

So...taking to heart my quote at the top of this page, I am throwing out my plans.  But I have to have a plan to do that.  So.... I will go forth with the 5 foot stack of adoption papers, have faith and put it into God's hand. 

My second plan is to stop looking at houses in Utah and start living the life I have here in Washington.  I am thankful for our little home here.  It is an apartment but it is a nice, homey place (once you are inside, I think I will always hate not having a yard but a giant parking lot) and it is my home.  More importantly, it is our family's home and it is where we are supposed to be. 

One year ago.

One year ago today I woke up for the first time knowing that I was going to be a mom in just a few short months.  One year ago yesterday we were told by our angel birthmom that we were going to be parents.  One year.  So much has happened in this last year and most days go by too fast.  I remember this day a year ago and wishing my summer away for September to come and now, now I just want time to stand still. 

Earrings no more.

Gracie has been such a busy little girl.  At eight months she is crawling all over the place, getting into everything and walking along the couch.  Occasionally she will try to stand on her own.  Tonight, she was walking along the couch in our front room and her little earring got caught on the fringe of a pillow and she went down and the pillow stayed up!  She started screaming and I couldn't figure out why.....then I saw it.  Her poor little ear!  The earring tore the hole a little and it was bleeding.  I was so afraid that if I didn't take out the earrings she would end up with an ear that looked like it was gaged!  So, alas, her earrings were removed and she is without her bling.  I felt so sad that she was crying, she actually didn't even cry that much when we had them pierced in the first place.  I didn't want her to get them caught again, or at night or naptime and I wouldn't even know, so I did the responsible thing.  But for the record, I still loved her little pierced ears and am sad to see them go.  On the plus side, everyone who thought I was a terribly mean mom to do that to my baby will stop telling me so every time they see her.  Now, they will just say, 'I told you so.'  :)

Life is short.

I was gently reminded today of just how fragile and short and wonderful this life truly is. This morning I had a real treat. One of my very best friends from high school came over to meet my darling little girl. As we sat and talked about our life 10+ years ago we laughed a lot. It was so fun to sit there and talk to someone who grew up with me, experienced many of life's most embarrassing moments with me and is still my friend all these years later. She and I are at different places in life and yet, when we do see each other and do talk, it is just like it always was! We will be friends forever, we have to be, she knows too much about me!

As we sat on my couch talking, she told me of another friend whom I haven't seen in years, and how her older sister recently passed away due to Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I couldn't believe it! Just last night on the 10 o'clock news, a segment was run about Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Apparently it makes up only 5% of all breast cancers and yet it is almost always fatal. IBC patients are usually quite young and because of it's symptoms, it often goes untreated until it is too late and has metastasized. I thought of my old friend and her sister and her family. She passed away after a two year battle. She had a loving husband. She had five children. She had a life. She was loved. She had cancer anyway.

My thoughts immediately went to my own sister-in-law. She has been fighting a battle with breast cancer herself. She was told in May that she had breast cancer. She has five children. She has a loving husband. She got cancer anyway. After several months, Rose is still fighting her cancer. She has undergone months of chemo, a major surgery, and now radiation. In the middle of the chemo she was told it had gone to her lungs and was inoperable. After a few more rounds of chemo and a family fast, the spots on her lungs were gone! She is the strongest person I know, oh, did I mention that she was the Relief Society president when she got the diagnosis and six months later.....she is STILL the RS president?!? She is faithful. She is strong. She is a teacher to everyone.

So, now wondering if my ranting is making any sense, I am just thinking about life. How short it can be but how amazingly wonderful it can be too. I have been very blessed in my 27 years. I have awesome parents who have loved me and raised me and taught me the gospel. I have a sister who is my best friend and is always there for me. I have four protective and loving brothers who I know would do anything for me. I have an incredible husband who has been my rock and my support system through many hard things. I have been a mother for 52 short days and it is incredible and amazing and everything I ever wanted and hoped it would be. I love my little girl so much and I love my life. I have a great ward family, awesome neighbors and amazing friends. I know that if my journey ended tomorrow, it would be ok. (Well actually, if it ended in April 2010, it would be ok, because I would be sealed to my sweet baby girl and my rockin' hubby.) I have been given so many things and I feel so utterly overwhelmed some days. Life is short. Live it. Love it. Be grateful for it because as we all know, it can change very quickly.