A year ago today.

Last year at this very moment I woke up about this same time (4 AMish) because I was so excited, anxious, overjoyed and nervous all at the same time.  I simply could not sleep.  There must have been a million emotions and thoughts running through me.  It was a day that I was looking forward to since I don't know when.  It was the day we were going to be bringing home our baby girl. 

I don't want to say that Gracie's birthday wasn't as exciting for me, because it was!  But believe it or not, this day last year, was even more emotional for us.  This was the day that I really felt like I became a mom and we were a family.  For the 48 previous hours I was able to hear about her and see her for a few minutes but I hadn't fed her.  I hadn't changed her diaper.  I hadn't sang her to sleep yet.  I guess to say, I hadn't really bonded with little Gracie yet.  At the time I didn't realize how hard that was for me until I did all those things.  Suddenly, my heart just stopped missing her because she was finally here!  She was with us.  I think Heavenly Father is so wise.  He saves those feeling for the moment you become a parent.  Whenever that moment happens, I really think every parent expierences a new depth of love, the love He has for all of us, and that was our moment. 

Having said those things, I want to be very clear that I was never angry that I wasn't around those first few days.  I really wasn't.  Gracie had these amazing two days with her birthmother that can never ever be taken away.  Those few days were for them.  I will eternally be grateful that they had that time together.  I think one day Gracie will find that very special. 

I remember being in the hospital through the whole check out process with the nurses.  First off, I LOVE nurses!  My best friend is one!  But that day, at Alta View Hospital, one of the nurses took it upon herself to spend the next two hours with us making sure we knew how to change a diaper!   I am not kidding!  Gracie was starting to get quite fussy because the poor little thing hadn't eaten for about four hours and there we were, emotionally just drained and just waiting for this nurse to stop talking.  :)  (For all of those of who have been fortunate enough to be touched by adoption, you know that placement day is like nothing else you have ever gone through.  If you want to, you can read about our experience here.)  Our caseworker said that she had never experienced such a "thorough", as we will call it, checkout.  As emotional a day as that was for all of us, it was the day we became a family so I could handle a little frustration.  And just for the record, all the other nurses were wonderful!  Because they had so much time waiting for the one to check us out, they snuck us in lots of extra formula and as well know, that stuff is like powdered gold, so a few extra minutes ended up being well worth it. 

I cannot believe it has been a year!  It all just seems to be happening so fast.  I know that this time next year, (hopefully not this exact time, by then I hope to be able to sleep like a normal person and not be up in the middle of the night...that is whole other story, and no, it is not because I am up with a baby, she sleeps great!) I will be writing out my feelings again and I will be in awe as to how quickly this year has gone by.  I love Gracie with my whole heart.  It is hard for me to imagine having another child and loving them as much.  I know every mother thinks that.  Grace has given us so much to laugh at, live for and our dreams have only become that much bigger with her in our life.  She is happy, funny, strong-willed yet easy going.  She makes me laugh every day, smile every hour and occasionally I cry when I hold her, just thinking about how much I really love her.  The day I became her mother was one of the best days of my life.  I feel so blessed!

September 11th could not go by without me also thinking of my Grampa.  Some days I miss him so much.  He was such a great example to me and all of his children and grandchildren.  Jimi's grandma, our last remaining grandparent, died last month.  It makes me so sad to think that my babies won't get to know our grandparents in this life but I am so grateful for eternal families and the peace that brings. 

I have a hard time believing that the terrorist attacks were nine years ago.  I remember so clearly so much of what happened that day.  I am sure for those thousands of families who lost their loved ones it has been a long nine years.  I think about those families often.  I hope their hearts are healing.  I hope they are able to find peace and comfort.  There is so much sadness and pain in the world but there is so much goodness too.  I think sometimes we all need to be reminded of the goodness, this little face is a perfect start.  :)

Coming Home on September 11th

We brought Gracie home on Friday, September 11th. This day is so special to us for many reasons. First, this is my Grandfather's birthday. Grampa died a little over three months ago but he was the first one in our family to see Gracie's ultrasound pictures. We told my family about Gracie joining our family in his hospital room. He was so happy to have another great-grandchild and he was so happy for us. He expressed such love and concern for this unborn baby and her birthmom. We love and miss Grampa everyday and feel honored to share such an important day with him.

Second, September 11th is special because Gracie just so happens to be the 11th grandchild on both Jimi's side of the family as well as my side! May 11th is when we met Kristy for the first time. Four months ago we put all our faith in this woman we had only known for a few days and now she was putting all her faith into us to raise her baby and give her a good life.

There are very few dates in my life that I will always remember with such detail and September 11, 2001 happens to be just one of those dates. I, like most of you reading this, remember exactly where I was and how I felt that horrible day eight years ago. I was a junior in college and woke up late for class. I usually left my house by 7:15 every morning and there it was, close to 6:45 and I was still in bed. I never missed class and never ever was late, yet there I was, not really worrying much about the time. My parents were up and getting ready for work and had the Today Show on. I heard the screams on TV and I heard my parents' reactions. I got up and ran into their room. We sat there together and watched horrified! Then about 15 minutes later, I watched as the second plane flew into the second tower. I cried. My sister and I went to NYC just two months prior to this and on the 4th of July, we stood on top of that tower. We rode to the 46th floor in one elevator, switched elevators, then rode to the top. I remember the face of the girl who was operating that elevator. I wondered if she was there that day? I cried and watched the TV and cried.

Needless to say, I did not go to school that morning. I stayed home, glued to the TV and reported to my brother, who was on his way to Salt Lake for work, everything that was happening when he would call every few minutes. My heart was breaking for the people of New York and their families all around the world. My heart was breaking for those frightened families who had loved ones on planes and for those families who had loved ones on those planes. Jimi's parents were serving a mission in New York. I was frightened for them. I was frightened for what this meant for our country. I was frightened for what this meant for us and our children. At that moment I knew my life would never be the same. At that moment, I knew I would never be the same. I felt scared. What happened to our sense of security? How could there be such evil people in the world who would want to hurt so many others? How do people get that way?

So, September 11th, eight years later was another one of those dates I will never forget. I will always remember exactly where I was and exactly how I felt. My heart still broke, but not because of the evil of man but because of the exact opposite! Because of the pure love a mother had for her precious baby girl. A mother who was sacrificing her own feelings and desires to give her child something that she just couldn't right now. I watched and I cried as Kristy said goodbye to Gracie. My heart was breaking in two and bursting with love for both of them at the exact same time! At that moment, I knew I would never be the same, but this time, eight years later, I was not scared. I was full of hope, and love and gratitude and humility. I felt secure. I felt safe and I felt Heavenly Father's love for Kristy, for our beautiful daughter and for me. I knew this was His plan and I felt peace.

Gracie and her dad...she already

has him wrapped around her finger and it is so sweet!

Gracie cuddling with mom.

Gracie channeling Madonna...Vogue, Vogue, Vogue

Gracie enjoying her bed.