My version... Part II.

So the 5th floor. My nurse came in and introduced herself and told me that they were pumping me full of some pretty strong IV antibiotics and asked if I was prone to yeast infections cause if I was, these drugs could definitely create some issues for me. She recommended I eat as much yogurt as I could handle and to just rest up. I should be out of there in about 2 days. So for dinner an hour later, my sister ordered me a yogurt parfait, a chicken pot pie and a sprite. My mom headed home to help with the babies and Tracy stayed with me. She said she would stay until Jimi got there. He was on a plane right then and should be here in a few hours.

I remember being sooo super cold and then so super hot. My fever was out of control. They wouldn't let me have anything more than a sheet and didn't want to give me any fever reducing drugs, it needed to go away by itself. Only it wasn't. I ate maybe two bites of my yogurt, a sip of my sprite and never even touched my pot pie. I couldn't really remember having a yeast infection, I think I may have once or twice, but I was so afraid I was going to get one if I didn't eat that darn yogurt. Only I couldn't eat anything. I was so sleepy. At some point Jimi got there. I don't really remember much about seeing him that night. I know that he stopped at home and brought me my pillow. He loves me and knows how much I love my own pillow.

The next morning I remember someone coming into my room, actually several someones, and telling me that they were transferring me to the 3rd floor. The cardio/thoracic unit. So off I went. They said that I needed to be monitored a little closer. They couldn't get ahold of my husband so I had them call my mom. Several people come in and out of my room. A man named, Rod comes in and tells me he is a respiratory therapist and is going to sew in an art line in my wrist to better monitor my heart rate. He aslo whips out this awful devise called a bi-pap and puts it over my entire face to force more air in every time I took a breath. I really cannot tell you how long I was there. I do remember Tracy and Jimi getting there and teasing me about all the attention I was getting. Next thing I know, someone else comes in and tells us that they are transferring me to the ICU. This is where it all starts to get a little fuzzy for me.

I was on the bi-pap for about 24 hours and my lungs were still failing. I didn't realize it had been 24 hours. If I had to guess I would have told ya it was about 2 hours. I guess it shows how out of it I really was. I remember one of my old neighbors who I also went to high school with came in with another dude to put in my picc line. I remember it pinching a little bit as they put the catheter into my arm. I remember the kid saying hi to me and I just kept thinking how awful I must look! :) Funny huh? I am pretty much dying and I was worried because my hair wasn't done and I wasn't wearing a bra. This may sound a little vain to some people and it probably was, but this kid had a crush on me at one point in our young adolescent lives and I just couldn't help but thinking that he must be thinking, 'wow, I totally dodged a bullet with this girl!' :) Anyway, I remember how many people kept coming and going and I felt a little exposed to be honest. I was so helpless just lying there in my bed. My doctor came in and asked me how the bi-pap was feeling and I said "ok" but I remember thinking it was just terrible. The air was so dry and the mask so uncomfortable. I just didn't want to bug them and complain, I obviously needed the thing!

Like I said, I was on that machine for about a day but that is all I remember from that day. All of a sudden Jimi and Tracy were there with me. They came in for just a minute and hugged and kissed me. Jimi told me he loved me and he had tears in his eyes. Tracy did too. The next thing I knew my doctor came into my room and told me they were going to take me off the bi-pap. BUT they were going to put me to sleep and put a tube down my throat and into my lungs so a machine would breath for me so I could just rest. I remember him being very calm about all of this which was a blessing. I didn't freak out on the outside, I just don't think I had enough strength, but I will never ever forget how scared I was on the inside. I remembered reading the newspapers and seeing on the news of several people who were put in a medical induced coma and intubated because of H1N1 and they never woke up. That was my first thought. Next he took off the mask and asked if I had any questions. I just said, "I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up." And this was the loneliest moment of my entire life. No one said anything in return. There were probably 10 people in my room and no one said anything. Dr. Lawton did squeeze my hand and I knew at that moment that he didn't really know if I was going to wake up either. I was terrified. So many things flashed before me in a matter of milliseconds. Gracie. Jimi. Mom. Dad. Roxy. Tracy. My brothers. My nephews and nieces. Then Gracie and Jimi again. I started praying. I prayed that I would be calm and that I would not be scared. I prayed that I would not be alone. Immediately, I wasn't scared anymore and I know I definitely was not alone. I remember feeling so calm for the seven seconds before they knocked me out. I have told some people this and they have responded that it was probably the drugs, that they work really fast, but I know it was more than that. I remember thinking that if this is what it felt like to die that I wasn't afraid. I never thought I would be thinking those things at 27 years old and being a mom for only three months. Then I was sleeping.

Tracy and Jimi have shared so much with me about that day. They both have told me in their own words just how difficult that moment was for them. They told me that they went into the hall and literally just fell apart. Jimi had fears that he was going to loose his wife and his daughter because our adoption wasn't finalized yet and wouldn't be for another three or so months. Tracy said I looked so scared. She said she will never forget the look on my face when the doctor told me of the plan. I hope that someday she will forget that.

So that was on a Thursday. From what I hear the next three days were the worst. No one really knew if I was going to live or die. Tracy has told me that she was so scared to leave me at night fearing that they would get a phone call in the middle of the night. My brother-in-law, Steve, flew in from St. Louis. Steve has been an ICU trauma nurse for 17 plus years. He knows his stuff and was able to help my family and Jimi better understand the severity of the situation, all the medical jargon and the procedures.  I was sleeping the entire time he was there. So sorry I missed his visit. :)  During those three days another breathing machine called an oscillator sat outside my door.  The day I left the hospital the head RT told me that it was a miracle they never had to use that!  And more often then not the oscillator is only used as the last resort when there is little hope left.  Kinda interesting too, they had located a special bed for me and it could be delievered to the hospital in a few hours if I needed it.  Apparently there are only 5 of these beds in all of Utah.  Basically as I understood it, they strap your body across to it and then flip you over and it works along with gravitiy to help your lungs to rest even more.  The only thing I can think of is kinda like the Samurai ride at Lagoon when you are just hanging there looking at the ground.  :)  I am sure it is a lot different, but kinda the same idea.  Thankfully, it never came to that.

At some point I made the turn and my fever broke. My family no longer had to put on gowns and masks to come in and see me. I was in septic shock so they had to put on these ghost buster suits to come in my room. :) I was still asleep though so don't remember. I just remember seeing other families doing that to go in and see their loved one after I had woken up and I remember thinking, well at least I wasn't that bad, apparently I was though. I guess I started waking up on that Wednesday about 7 days after I was put under, to be honest, I do not remember this day at all. I do very vaguely remember the next day, Christmas Eve. I remember being told that it was Christmas Eve and I remember thinking how weird that was because I came in 10 days earlier and don't really remember much. I remember being sad because I was missing everything. I was missing Gracie's first Christmas.

I woke up really early like around 5 AM on Christmas. I had this cute little Christmas tree in my room that Tracy and my mom had brought in. I remember between consciousness looking at that tree and thinking of my family. Jimi got there around 8 AM and told me about Gracie and how she had slept really well that night. My doctor came in a little later and told me the next step. A tracheotomy. Again, I remember being just really calm. I was ok with it because I knew it would mean I was actually improving. And I thought, that means I get to go home soon. But mostly, I thought it meant that I could have a drink of water. He told me that I still wouldn't be able to drink for a while. Bummer! Then he reminded me that it was Christmas day and the ENT doc wouldn't be able to do it till tomorrow. Bummer again!

So a few hours later my family came in a few at a time and wished me a Merry Christmas. I don't remember a lot of this. Sorry, guys. I do remember Jimi saying that he was going to leave for a minute so other people could come in. There was a 2 person limit, but the ICU staff was awesome and never really enforced that with us. I remember thinking that I didn't want Jimi to leave and to just stay and be there with me but I couldn't talk and writing was near impossible so I couldn't tell him that. I was sad when he left. My mom and dad were there. Tracy was there. Amy and Craig were there too. If anyone else was there, sorry again. It is fuzzy! So about three minutes later Jimi walked in and brought the best present ever with him, Gracie. She was wearing this cute little white polka dotted dress and a purple headband. She had on tights and was just the best Christmas present ever. I don't know if I was crying, I felt like crying, I was so happy. But I remember everyone else had tears in their eyes. Even my nurse! Gracie sat on my tummy and we had our family Christmas picture taken. It was not how I ever imagined it would be but when it came down to it, it was the best motivation for me to get better. She didn't stay for very long. She was really interested in all the IVs and tubes and machines. I felt like in the last few weeks that my baby had grown so much! She was so big and I struggled holding her but it was still amazing to see her. I missed her so much!  As fuzzy as most every other memory is for me of that day, this one is completely clear.  I remember every moment being with my baby. 

I was pretty worn out after that. Tracy and my mom washed my hair that afternoon and I was even more drained. I remember it being fairly early in the afternoon and writing down in my barely legible handwriting that I wanted them all to go home and enjoy Christmas. They all needed a break from the hospital and I would be fine. Jimi too. I don't think they wanted to leave but they really needed to. My family had been so amazing through all of this and I felt like that was the only thing I could really give anyone for Christmas.  Jimi had been there for the last 10 days and he needed to spend some time away. 

I think I slept off and on all afternoon and I remember watching the Pixar special that night. The animated shorts. One thing that I hated about the ICU is that my sleep patterns were all over the place. I slept a lot here and there but it was never a good sleep. And I would wake up very early, between 4 and 5, everyday. I was anxious to get my trach the next day and get the tube out of my throat. My mouth was so dry and I would just dream about water. They gave me Ambien that night to help me sleep and I have sworn to never ever take that awful drug ever again. I was a crazy person on that stuff. I was hallucinating and literally thought I was on a train. I really thought they had hooked my hospital bed to all the other ICU patients' beds and we were moving back and forth on this train track thing. I swear my RT was wearing coveralls and a hat! And at some point it all was so loud that I requested earplugs to make everything quiet. True story, my nurse had to bust into the hospital sleep lab to find me some earplugs. Because I couldn't talk, I wrote. And even that wasn't too successful. I would have to say that this is the only awful thing I did as a patient, but I was soo frustrated and no one was paying attention to me being stuck on this train! So, I wrote to my nurse, "why the hell am I stuck on this train?!" Seriously, I did. My tech looked at my nurse and did the little crazy sign and asked if I was a little nuts? That is when I knew I wasn't really ever on a train. My nurse told me that it was the ambien and that sometimes it came make you hallucinate. Great.

So the next day I was able to get out of bed and walk down the ICU hall. Jimi was right there with me! He was such a wonderful support! I used a walker and my RT walked beside me bagging me so I still could breath. My PT walked behind me so I wouldn't fall. My nurse walked on the other side of me. I remember feeling so happy to be out of bed and out of that room! It was the first time in about 11 days that I was able to look out a window and see the outside world! From that point, I just improved. It was miraculous. The trach was still the plan but due to the holiday weekend, the ENT doc couldn't do it till Monday! Yuck! I was ready to do it myself right then! :) That night my mom and dad came and brought me a white board so I wouldn't be wasting so much paper. I was a white board maniac! It was the first time I could write and everyone could actually read it. My mom said I was writing a mile a minute! I was feeling so great. I wasn't feeling like someone who was still on a vent! My brother Scott, my dad, Jimi and brother-in-law, Matt stayed till about 10 that night and watched a football game in my room. I was just so happy to be aware and have them all there with me. It was a great night.

One thing that a lot of my family members have asked was what it felt like when they would suction me.  Basically they stuck this hose thingy down my vent tube and collected the junk from my lungs.  The RT would tell me to start coughing and then she/he would stick it down and slowly pull it out.  My mom said it was awful to watch.  It almost looked like I was having a seizure.  My entire body would shake for about 25 seconds and then it was over!  To answer the question, the only way I can describe it is to imagine having the wind knocked out of you over and over and over again in just a matter of moments.  There is literally no air.  I really hated that thing but I would feel so much better after it was done.  That is, until they did it again an hour later.  :)  I did get pretty good though at knowing when I needed it done.  They would come in and ask me and I would either give them a yes nod or a no nod.  Also, they let me control my yonkers.  It is like a giant dental suction thingy that I could clean out my mouth with, only this one never spit out any water.  :)  Just suction.